Today I am in darkness. Grief is slowly siphoning hope from yesterdays sunshine. We ate together and I guess I just didn’t see the gravity of it all. Today I have a choice in my moment of darkness. To believe the feeling of doom or the memory of hope. Many have scattered in fear and the same evil voice calls to me in the darkness. Where is he? Where is the power? Where are the miracles? Where is your Jesus?
I am taunted. The evidence of powerlessness surrounds me. I am tormented by the vision of your agony.
Little did I know I would feel this many times over in one lifetime. Family troubles, illness, death, job loss and heartache. It’s like Friday again and again. I doubt and I wrestle with the guilt of my desperation. I clench to disappointments and injustice.
But this time, in this moment.
I will wait.
My actions in the moment of darkness are usually my darkest actions.
I will wait.
In the cocoon of promised transformation –
I will wait.
Though it war against my visible odds –
I will wait.
May the memory of that ancient day and the knowledge of your coming resurrection cause me to wait all the more.
I will not create my own light. I will not pretend light into the moment with denial. No I will depend on the Light that was previously revealed. Though I don’t feel it now your words were clear.
I WILL wait.
For those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up as wings on eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Let this memory of the darkness of Friday teach me Lord – To Wait
theJourney- I’ve had quite a dry season for the last five plus years. I’ve had many dry seasons in this life. I’ve felt invisible at times. During these times I’ve often feared there would be no end to the paralysis of my indecision. Lack of options and numerous obstacles caused me to wonder if there was purpose for the drought? In my experience you never know until it rains.
Intimacy with God grows like a private oasis in a public desert. Believe it or not it is easier and more destructive to isolate and to wander in the desert when you are a public figure. You learn to allow others to maintain to their image of you without having to create a fortress. Your fortress of protection is their image of you. It takes no effort. Just let them talk about the days when you were in your glory and make no reference to the present. Allow them to rebuild your pedestal. But when you are confronted with the weariness of your meager existence, like Job, sometimes others question your judgment. They may wonder what you did wrong to deserve the fall and even some disappear, for fear that your calamity is contagious.
To those who have been there we share a camaraderie called the fellowship of the disordered identity. To those who are still there here’s some advice. Travel lightly. Allow God to transform you in the wilderness. When it rains, and it will, the blessing will be equivalent to the surrender. The Joy will be commensurate with your gratitude. Your vision will be formed when there are no guarantees; Promises only remove the need for trust, faith and utter reliance on the God who knows the truth, when you don’t. It will rain. Then like eagles, you will not be tossed by storms again. You will fly into them, spread your wings and glide upward from its force and the new elevation will bring new perspective. There is another way however and that is to return to ways of the past. Hang on to the self-created persona. Pick yourself up from your bootstraps and wait until self-reliance can return you too the numbing twenty-four cycle of the mundane. Don’t worry you’ll be ok until the next drought. God won’t rescue you from your illusions. Settling for the same ole same ole gathers much human consolation. It is the way most common to man. One piece of advice you’ll need if you choose this most travelled road. Don’t forget your mask.